Which came first?

Today I was stuck in traffic on the 405. It was the kind of ridiculous bumper to bumper freeway traffic that you feel is embellished when you are watching it in a movie and thinking, "there is no way it could ever be that bad." Nine and three-quarters years in Los Angeles, I can assure you, it absolutely can be.

Today's item of note that caught my eye was the man in the car to my right who was filling out a crossword puzzle- not from the newspaper, but from an actual book of puzzles. This struck me. He has grown so used to this traffic, that he has now brought games on the road with him to occupy his otherwise wasted time. Then as I continued to survey my surroundings, I noticed a woman putting on her make-up in the rearview mirror and three vehicles with drivers all engaged in passionate cell phone conversations and oblivious to being on the road.

The whole thing made me wonder... What came first? Was it the traffic that came along and caused us to find other ways to cope with the wasted time OR have we created all of the traffic in our attempt to try and fit as much into every second of our on-the-go day as possible?

In case you were wondering, I don't bring anything to do when I am stuck in traffic. I just spend a lot of time in my mind overthinking everything!

Underdog Victorious!

(Jo, Paddy, Jill, me and Sabrina)

I'm so in love with Jill Sobule right now I can't even stand it! Last night was another flawless performance from a completely underrated and uber-talented artist. You have never seen such a little spitfire deliver such a fiery fierce vocal and then pull the whole room in with a tiny little whisper- all the while taking you on an emotional journey from brilliantly skewered humor to bitter loves gone wrong and then lifting you back up with a sing-a-long to a victorious, notorious, glorious underdog. Go buy her music. More importantly, go see her live. Yes, she is THAT good!

Happy Birthday Paddy...

my toast from last night's dinner...

Dear Paddy

Since the day you came into my life, I have known that I would be good as long as I had you by my side.

From the opening declaration that we were best friends since High School and our first cocktail at The Blue Room, Yahtzee! And two cheeseburgers from Mc Donald’s, it was a declaration predicated in truth.

I have always been only as good as you’ve believed in me. My career would be nowhere without your guidance and recommendations from the time you ran into George Clooney at the Smoke House and told him how much he would love working with me to Mimi and Joan- two women I will always honor working with and without your involvement may have never happened.

You have impacted my musical tastes as I can’t hear a Dixie Chicks, Barenaked Ladies, Alanis and now Jill Sobule song without thinking of you. All of these musicians make my heart smile and my world right just by listening to their music. I often believe it is because you become present in my mind as they sing.

You are my phone call when I am scared. You are my phone call when I am elated. You are my phone call when I am filled with questions. You are my phone call when I am full up on answers. You are my best date. You are a person I have shared myself so unconditionally with and have never been given me a reason to not. You will never know how much your blossoming relationship with George and Heidi means to me and how much I love having you in every crevice of my life.

Dalt’s Chicken Fingers with Honey Mustard, the dice game at Lake Arrowhead, our trips to Santa Barbara, your Pot Roast, Rummikub, Spy Girl Run, reheated decaffeinated coffee, gloating Fijian post cards, blue cheese dip, David Sedaris, your taco salad, Lillith Fairs, and my eyes glimmer just from the thought as I prepare to type the Palace Grill’s Bread Pudding with Whiskey Cream Sauce. Was the food really that good or is it that being in my favorite city on the planet with one of my favorite people on earth overwhelms my happiness senses into such a state of euphoria that liver and onions would have been as delicious? This is a question I never want answered.

And then there are the friendships that are the foundation of my life that I would be lost without. Clara, Erica, Jo and Peter, the Trents, Barbie, Kristie, Kim, the list goes on and on. I wouldn’t know any of them if it weren’t for you. Without them I would be another awkward struggling lost soul in Hollywood. Instead, I am a blessed and confident man who has the ability to believe. All of this because of you. You deliver me gifts at every turn without even knowing it.

You are my queen, you are my calm.
You are my treasure, you are my gift.
You are my light, you are my rock.
You are my confidence, you are my conscience.
You are my vitality, you are my compassion.

I wish you could see you as I do. Someone so pure. So beautiful. So radiant. So smart. So kind. So generous. So lovely. So aware. So participative. So strong. So knowing. So brave.

I am humbled by your humble nature. I am awed by your selfless generosity. I am spellbound by your magnificence and frustrated by your inability to see it. I can only hope that as I continue to need and rely on you as my touchstone, I can spend everyday helping you to see and recognize your beautiful brilliance and how any time in my life without you in it is a time not worth living.

Happy birthday my beloved…

Pics from last night's dinner...

The evening started out with delicious sushi and smiles, until the cameras were turned to the men...

Brady and I put on our tough faces...

So Tiff and Paddy followed suit with their snarls...

Tiffani bought Paddy the most delicious and GORGEOUS cake I have ever seen. And yes, everything but the ribbon is edible...

Two of my favorite things, Paddy and cake... Paddycake, Paddycake, Baker's man!

And so it begins, the reading of my toast...

Now we have added champagne to the mix. Is it my birthday? Because seriously, I am now in a room with all of my favorite things. If Tiffani had sent us home with a gift bag, my head may have popped off!

Post toast hug...

Finally digging into the cake. I wouldn't normally post such a ridiculous photo of myself, but it seems appropriate as I continue to prove my point that I love cake (that and my head was one gift bag away from exploding off my shoulders)!

These R the Thoughts

these are the thoughts that go through my head
in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon
when I have the house to myself and I am not
expending all that energy on fighting with my friends

will I find one that I will marry?
why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel cellularly alone?
am I supposed to live in this crazy city?
can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated
life- denying tradition be overcome?

where does the money go that I send to those in need?
if we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
why do you say you are spiritual
yet you treat people like shit?

how can you say you're close to God
and yet you talk behind my back as though I am not
a part of you?
why do I say I'm fine
when it's obvious I'm not?
why's it so hard to tell you what I want?
why can't you just read my mind?

why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
why do I care whether you like me or not?
why is it so hard for me to be angry?
why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
and not the other way around?

will I ever move back to san jose?
can I be with a lover with whom I am a student and a master?
why am I encouraged to shut my mouth
when it gets too close to home?
why cannot i live in the moment?

Tom Cruise and his imaginary Blackberry!

Too good not to share the neverending creepy craziness!

Gail and Marcus get hitched in the Windy City...

Had such a fantastic past weekend in Chicago visiting old friends, drinking with cowboys and burning my scalp with a flat iron. Somehow I think that all played out in just that order!

This was the only photo from dinner that turned out (Dawn, Allegra, Bonnie and James). Extra special thanks to the Landis-Newirth-Pritzkers for treating us to such a phenomenal dinner at Joe's Stone Crab. I can still taste my steak!

The beautiful reason we were there... Gail and Marcus

Everyone cries at weddings, I don't get it. I think it should be a room of beaming smiles like the ones they possess here. My smile will be from ear to ear and a glimmer in my eye that shouts, "Finally!"

Stunning and breathtaking.

My little Bonnie. So nice to see her glasses back on the bridge of her nose and not barely hanging on to the tip.

My lovely Rita, the mother of my children. I hate that she lives so far away but love that we got to dance the night away...

Tom and Nicole. No wait, Allegra and Spell- much prettier and way less crazy.

Mother and son, Bonnie and Douglas. Funny thing about this picture is-
Anyway...

Doug and Angie. She looks cold now, but she lit the dancefloor on fire!

Steven and Bonnie. Talk about rug cutters! Wait, that sounds graphic and inappropriate...

Basia and her son Douglas. Er, I mean husband!

Charles and Gail. Class and Classy.

So much thanks go to James and Sarah for not just letting me stay with them, but for putting up with my exploding suitcase...

...and exploding stomach, especially after the two jager bombs I did with the cowboys. Did I mention they were actual bull riders from Texas? God I am a sucker for cowboys! (and yes, some pun is intended!)


Thanks again for everything!
xo

Interesting.

Dear Bob,Here is your horoscopefor Friday, April 21:

Have you and a certain someone been at odds? Thankfully, a new set of celestial influences introduces a little peace and quiet into the situation. Keep in mind that this is only a truce. You will need to address some issues.

Alexandria House, here I come...

Psychotherapist James Hillman and essayist Michael Ventura wrote the book We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse. In it, they propose that resolving our problems may not necessarily come from sitting in a room talking about our deep, private feelings with a trusted counselor. Instead, the best approach might be to go out into the world and do good works like helping the underprivileged or fighting for social justice. That happens to be the right prescription for you in the coming weeks, Cancerian. As you marshal your moral force and collaborate with other people who are motivated by altruism, you'll heal your own personal pain.

Y'all should be so lucky...

Everyone should be so lucky to have someone sign-up to share in their journey and be there for the good times and bad. The laughter and the tears. The successes and flops. The cheesecakes and turkey sandwiches. The red hair dye and the calico streaks. The yellow shorts and Air America. Red underwear and bad perms.

I'd be nothing without her...

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine, My only sunshine.
You make me happy When skys are grey.
You'll never know, dear, How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Happy birthday baby...
xoxo

V E R T E X ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Happy Easter!

Eggshell

Unsent

It's a really rainy day here in Los Angeles. Yesterday was one of the most gorgeous on record. Perfect sun. Perfect colors. Perfect temperatures. I seem to have gone to sleep last night in a darkened mood. Woke up around 4 in the morning in a stormy mood. Have been awake all morning in a gloomy mood. Perhaps my mood was changing with the weather as the clouds were forming and the temperatures were changing. Either way, my mood has me wanting to hole up. Stay in my pajamas. Brew some chai tea. Perhaps read a book. Or now, that I have been so inspired by this video, I may take pen to paper and write a few Dear Marcus letters myself.

Hoping the sun shines again tomorrow...



Unsent Lyrics
dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me
dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun
dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts

Frank and Paul are not gay

I don't know, it made me laugh...

Dr. Phil Who?

It's official, I was finally a guest on a talk show. I'm talking about my appearance yesterday on QTN's The Reichen Show. I felt like Dolly Parton in the movie Straight Talk right around the time I was introduced as, "Bob Merrick: Friendship and Relationship Advice Guru". I wanted to crawl under the couch and not come up until the show was over.

Fortunately, I quickly settled into my new title and found myself doing just that- dispensing my opinions and beliefs on relationships and friendships for an entire hour- it was just like talking to my friends on the phone. I even forgot we were broadcasting live and just let myself be. My only kerfuffle was when I caught myself in the monitor and realized there was a camera capturing my profile. I HATE my profile. I will make sure that camera isn't there the next time I am on. They can call me Streisand, I don't care.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a guru, but at the same time, I was never short for words and felt completely comfortable. I'm thinking this might be an excellent time to start writing my book: The World Through My Eyes. Whatdya think? Too Depeche Mode?

Most people weren't able to see the show (the network still hasn't finalized their deal with a lot of markets, including Los Angeles), but never fret. I will have my own DVD copy soon and as long as I am not too horrified, there will be screening parties wherever possible! Hopefully this was just the beginning (fingers crossed). I have zero qualms about becoming the gay Dr. Phil. In fact, I don't care what they call me so long as they are willing to give me my own TV show!

Unfortunately my shots from the show came out blurry, but you can get the idea. Especially in that first one. You know I'm talking when my hands start flailing! Also on the couch with me is Reichen's co-host, Dr. Lesley. She was a lot of fun and a wealth of information. You can check her out on her new website: Dr. Lesley.com and send her an email! She loves getting it! (But then again, who doesn't??)

Cleaning out my camera...